I almost got into a car accident yesterday. The car that almost hit us came in fast from behind and swerved over a curb to avoid us. I heard an “Oh, shit” from the back of my car as we watched sparks fly from the contact between the bottom of their car and the concrete. The other driver pulled into a parking lot ahead of us and got out of her car, obviously panicking.

I’ve felt unsettled lately. I am uncomfortable with the fact that my time is, for the most part, spent unintentionally. I can feel my craving for distraction and immediate gratification, and often give into it by checking emails, responding to messages, packing my calendar, watching videos, consuming something, waiting for someone to ask me to do something. At the same time, I remember what it’s like to be overcommitted to the point where everything felt like a task, and I want to commit myself only to activity that I find meaningful.

Before reading this, please read its preamble. Finding our ground is important. I don’t think it’s possible to know what happens after we die, or if there is a spiritual realm from which a great mind guides the physical realm that we see. I find it hard to imagine proof that such a realm exists. Let’s say that we heard a voice booming from the sky, across the planet. Could that be this great mind, or could it be some advanced technology that we don’t understand?

I’ve been struggling to write my first substantial blog post, on the Greatest Commandment: You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets. – Jesus, in Matthew 22:37-40 (ESV)

My name is Chris, and I wrestle with what I’ve described as a “spiritual sickness”. My Dad has called me “lost”. I’ve been called out several times, by different people, for thinking too much and doing too little. It feels to me that my default mode is one of meaningless activity. Here are some common habits that I associate with meaninglessness: Watching TV, addictively. I find it hard to stop watching YouTube or Prime Video once I start, and I can easily waste hours and sacrifice my sleep to the indulgence.